Tegan was grouchy when I brought her to a Tahitian dance class last night and was taking it out on me. She spent the drive taunting my ability to get anywhere on time. Uncomfortable doing something new, she shot me dirty looks throughout the class. She was all-around angry. But you can’t stay mad while dancing. Soon she got the hang of it. Shaking her hips and stepping to the island sounds, she realized that she actually loved it. When the class ended she apologized for being a rude little booger rag, and sang “Lilo & Stitch” songs through the entire ride home.
If I lament to older adults they’re just like “Yeah buddy, your turn.”
Sometimes I think it’s ironic that I made every single life decision that I did specifically to avoid the life I live now. That of an anchored unpaid Au Pair/stay at home housewife in the suburbs. And yet I joyfully find myself here!
“Is your life better now?” Tegan and Chase asked me the other night at dinner.
I wouldn’t say yes! I didn’t want Tegan to latch onto the idea that a guy would come along one day and then her life would be validated. (I’m also suspicious still of happiness being everlasting.)
“It’s preferential,” I answered.
“Preferential?!” Chase’s jaw almost dropped open. “I don’t have a problem saying that my life is definitely better now with you!”
(Well, yeah because you were and still are living in the suburbs…) “I’m just saying that I’m proud of where I went with my life, and I accomplished cool stuff on my own. I’m extremely happy now being a part of this family. I’m always grateful that we spend our time together.”
I think that people in my social circles figure that this is where I’ve landed. But for me, it doesn’t feel like a stopping point; I didn’t experiment with how far I could go as a modern woman before relinquishing my individuality to the needs and care-taking of others.
Being a half-mom, as Tegan calls it, since “my probably most-likely future stepmom” was getting too cumbersome to say, does definitely change the concept of time.
I used to think in weeks and days and hours, but now I approach life in stages.
It involves a lot of simple hope that things keep working out, in saying yes to opportunity especially when it looks like challenge. It’s also enjoying everything all around you, not only focusing on what comes next, the gift of seeing all the greatness in each day that’s right in front of your face, and the
Before I was using every source of my energy for what felt like survival. I am much happier, and calmer too.